Funk!

Ah, it's time for my annual birthday funk to begin. Not for the normal reasons, like getting older. That aspect of the birthday really doesn't bother me that much. Every day you're older than the last, so one more milestone on that road really isn't that big deal for me.

I think my conflict about birthdays rests in the fact that I like to acknowledge my birthday, and the birthday of others, but that I've had a lot of birthdays, specifically when I was younger, that really weren't that fun. What I always remember is having a party for my birthday, when I was in 2nd Grade, and only two friends from school showed up. And once they were there, they spent most of the time not playing with me, so it wasn't fun on most levels.

Of course, not every birthday was bad, and believe me, my childhood was fine. Compared to some people's stories, my life is fantastic! However, I do have this thing now where there are times when I just want to be alone on my birthday, or I want to be with people, but I can never tell how it's going to be until it actually hits. I think this year I'm leaning towards staying home, but you never know.

I think at heart, the funk comes from the want to do things with people, to be social, and the fear of finding that there's no one around who wants to do anything. I was thinking, a month or so ago, that it might have been fun to invite friends from Boston and elsewhere to come up this weekend, to hang out around my birthday, but not necessarily on it. However, with this conference I'm going to, leaving this Friday, that's pretty much out, at least for now.

What's nutty about this is that I know that I have good friends, good family, a good wife, who all like and love me, so it's not really a fear based on reality at this point. But, there are those things that we had happen as kids that stay with us for awhile. This birthday stuff is one of those very few negative things that I can recall.

On the good side, I remember a lot of good birthdays, with bowling parties, hanging out, doing stuff in college with friends, and being in Boston. Grad school, and living in Vermont pre-Sue was a bit rough, because I didn't really have many people to hang out with then, particularly in the 1st year of my Masters program, and when I first went to Vermont. Actually, during the 2nd year of my program, my birthday was at one of the conferences, and I had a good time going out with friends in St. Louis.

I do remember in Vermont, going to see "Analyze This" on my birthday, alone. The movie did cheer me up a bit, but it still was no fun.

So, this year, I'm playing things by ear. Maybe we'll go out and eat on Thursday, maybe not. I do have to get up way early on Friday, to catch a 9am flight out of Manchester NH to Indianapolis, so there's that excuse to stay in. But, it's also Dartmouth's closing day for the Winter term, so I'm sure that some co-workers may be going out, so that could be a pull out of the building later in the evening.

Maybe writing some of this stuff down will help get it out of my system, at least a bit. I'm really generally a happy person, but we all have our down moments...

NP: Steve Hackett; Sentimental Institution (live)